that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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