mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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