you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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