You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
