Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
