The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
There are leaves in my underwear?
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