My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
