True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I FOUND THE LEGS
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
