The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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