3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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