What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
