I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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