My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
