Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
