Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
