My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
