Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
