you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
