I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
