I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
