Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
