no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize