you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
