the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
