Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he thought i was a dude.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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