She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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