first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
