My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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