As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
