Midget sex pt 2 tonight
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
