So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
