I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We are two peas in an std pod
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
