I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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