My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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