His hands were made for my vagina.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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