Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize