You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
