How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize