break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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