I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
