its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
