I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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