i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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