Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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