it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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