Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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