hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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