I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
