Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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