um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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