I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
