A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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