he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
