1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
