People with herpes should wear stickers.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
