He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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