I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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